It amazes me that even now that, in the year 2000, many women (mothers who lost their babies to adoption), still do not have the support of their families. Many are still classed as "sluts", "moles", "tramps" etc., and they are still treated like they are worthless, and selfish because of what happened. Their mothers do not talk to them, their families still do not know, unless of course after many years, they have had the courage to come out of that cupboard and break the silence. It isn't until many years and after so much damage is done within families, that we have the courage to talk about what happened to us, perhaps as much as 20 to 30 or even many more years ago.

The authorities wanted us to forget so that they could have a clear conscience. Thinking that they were doing the right thing by stealing babies, telling young girls that their babies had died or even going so far as baby selling, so that they could make a buck or two, or because they believed they were doing the right thing in the "best interest of the child". What a joke this has turned out to be. It brings me to the question - "whose interest was being taken into account?" the child or the authorities…. It is amazing in some instances that money speaks louder than words….. and authority figures became well off in the community by making out that they were doing good, by taking stealing babies from young mothers.

Many of the young girls who were coerced into relinquishing their babies, or who were told that their babies had died are still paying the price. Many still live in the hope that out there is a young man or woman that they would one day find and they pray that their son or daughter does not believe that they were just thrown away like garbage that is not wanted. The authorities did not tell us that we would be suffering for the rest of our lives. They did not warn us that we would not be allowed to grieve, they just told us to forget about it and get on with our lives. Easy said than done…They did not offer support, financially or morally. All they gave us was NOTHING but grief & heartache. The guilt that was put on us, we have had to live with throughout our lives, it made many of us, feel like we had no confidence, useless and we were nothing to anyone.

Many a time we were told that no one would want us, as we had fallen pregnant and brought shame to many people. I for one am victim of this. I went through my life and married the father of my son (who I was forced to relinquish in 1978) thinking that no one would want me. I did not love this man, but married him because I had no confidence in myself and knew I would never find anyone else. After many years, many children (thinking I could replace the one I had lost) and lots of heartache, I found that I had had enough. Enough of being abused, being told I was ugly, useless and worth nothing to anyone, I finally found the courage to tell him to leave. It is amazing what you go through just so you are not alone.

So much guilt, grief and heartache are all part and parcel of this awful life sentence that our families and authorities have bestowed on us.

Did the authorities warn the mothers who relinquished their babies voluntarily that they would suffer the same pain? Did they tell them to forget about it and get on with their lives also? Only to find that they just could not forget their baby……

Open adoptions were not as open as they were made out to be, and closed adoptions were supposed to be what they say - closed… Regardless of what type of adoption, there was pain along with the grief of relinquishing your child. I have met a few birthmothers and adoptees, who have been part of an open adoption, only to find that this type of adoption was not what they expected. All they wanted was to be kept informed and up to date with letters and photos of their child as they progressed. What harm was there in this, well the adoptive parents in most cases disappeared and left no trace as to where they were. There was but one meeting, one photo, one letter and then nothing. No one could find out where they had gone. No one has to worry about that now because after many years of fighting to find her baby, the grief was so bad that one birthmother / adoptee took her own life. How sad it is that the departments and the authorities could not handle an open adoption that would best suit mother and child leading to someone taking their own life because they could no longer go on.

Families and authorities feel that they have managed to keep that secret hidden, until one day that little girl has had enough and finds the courage to speak out. She suddenly becomes a person with the confidence and worth that was once taken from her by the authorities and her family. In some cases it is the adoptee that has had enough and wants to find out who he or she really is and where his natural mother or father are. The adoptee also wants answers - such as Why? Why did you give me to some one else? Why did you not want me?

In one case a friend's heartache was so bad that she became very ill. I am sure it is safe to say, she eventually died of a broken heart. For many years she fought the system to find out why her babies were taken, and she helped to seek changes in the laws to prevent it happening in the future to other young girls and their babies. This young woman of 46 meant well in this community, using her grief and heartache to do good for others. She spent many hours searching and finding ways to fight the authorities for information that would help her and many other birth parents to understand why the authorities felt they had the right to treat us this way.

When I decided to search for my son, I didn't tell my mother that I was searching, I spoke with my children first, letting them know that they had another brother who was a few years older than them. They were pleased about this and were very encouraging in my search. I then rang my younger brother and sister who had no idea that I had another son they too, were supporting and encouraging. My eldest sister did not show any support what so ever, so to this day; I only talk to her when I really have to. It is a shame that the lack of support was shown many years ago still carries on today. As for my mother and father, they now know that I have found my son, but they have not asked to see any photos and they never ask about him. I wonder if it because they feel guilty because of what happened many years ago. My son is now 21……

Some adoptive parents thought they were doing the right thing by not telling them they were adopted, and now they live in fear that some where out there, there is a girl who will one day turn up on their doorstep and take their son/daughter away. Is it jealousy? Do they the adoptive parents think that maybe the birthmother could provide them with a better lifestyle? Are they worried that the lies that they told the adoptee would surface and the adoptee would hate them for the rest of their lives? Some adoptive parents lied to their adoptive children - sometimes telling them that their real mother didn't want them, or were drug addicts who couldn't handle having a child etc… these are just some of the lies that were told to many adoptees. What are they afraid of? What are they hiding? However there were the odd adoptive parents who did tell them the truth…….

Fortunately for some, their babies were given to families who were there for support & loved the adoptee and did inform him / her that they were adopted. That their mother did love them and it was only because they were unable to provide for them that they were relinquished - for the love of the child. These adoptive parents were generally the ones who offered to help their adopted child when and if they decided to search. My son was given information about me, when he was growing up and from a young age was told that he was adopted. I believe that this has helped with our reunion and our continual contact since first meeting in 1997. Many adoptive parents did not know about the coercion, or that some mothers were told that their babies were dead…..

I am in constant contact with a group of blackmarket adoptees I know that these adoptees have lots of questions and want answers. In the US, it is sad to say that many states are trying to oppose the opening of records to adoptees, who are they trying to protect here…… there are a few birthmothers who have relinquished their babies only to find out that their babies were sold by agencies out to make a buck or two. Information on the original birth certificates in most instances have been changed to hide who they are and where they were born, in some cases even the date of birth has been changed. This not only makes it harder, but it shows that so many illegal adoption practices took place for many decades throughout the world and continues to take place throughout the US even as I type and you read this article….. Too many illegal practices have taken place worldwide and it is up to us, to support everyone who is and has been affected by these illegal practices, they call Adoption…..

I know I have probably gone off the rails here just a bit, but my comparison with the US and the world, shows that at the moment, Australia has finally woken up to allowing adoptees and birthparents access to Identifying information. Adoption agencies are now helping in the searches of many adoptees and birthparents. Victoria - Australia is still a bit behind, and an inquiry will help with this to allow birthmothers to have the same access to information and birth certificates as the rest of the country. However in the US, many adoptees have to fight through the courts to have this information available to them. The question that all blackmarket adoptees ask is "WHO AM I?" It is sad that so many people have performed these illegal operations and got away with it for many years. (You will be able to find out more regarding "blackmarket babies" very soon)…..

Family members who shunned their daughter along with the authorities who offered no assistance, counseling or who stole, sold or coerced the young girls into relinquishing their babies, didn't realise that so many birthmothers and adoptees and other members of the adoption triad would one day, want to search for their lost ones. I feel confident in saying that the authorities did not think that adoptees would really want to know "Who They Are" and "Where did I come from"? How ignorant they were……

Adoption - involves and affects many people. Firstly the un-wed mother who was either coerced into relinquishing her baby, or who was told that her baby was stolen or told that their baby had died. Many of these girls were sent to homes away from their families, into situations where there was no support. Some of these girls were abused, made into slaves and were given very little support. In one case, one young girl went into labor and was still forced into attending breakfast and then finally was taken to the labor ward, where she was tied to the bed and had her legs in stirrups. No help was on hand; she was in a lot of pain, and no one wanted to help her. Finally, she was screaming at people that the baby was coming - but the reply to her was "That it would be hours of pain yet and she deserved to be this way". Minutes later, she was pushing when a girl bringing towels in managed to catch the baby on it's way out…. Where was the support in all of this when a girl so desperately needs it? In this case, it not only affected the young girl, but also the baby who could have landed head first on the floor, which could have led to possible death, brain damage etc…. Was this in the best interests of the child - which so many adoption agencies and authorities have always pointed out….. They have done these horrendous things in the "best interest of the child"… what a joke this saying is….

The adoptees, who grew up believing that their adoptive parents were their biological parents, the adoptees who were relinquished into foster homes, made wards of the states, or who were even placed in loving family homes. After speaking to many adoptees world wide, many of them were brought up to believe that they weren't adopted, or found out they were adopted sometimes even up to 40 or even 50 years later. Many adoptees suffer mentally, emotionally and physically. What the authorities thought when they placed children into homes that had histories of child abuse or domestic violence is a mystery to many people. I know of one mother whose child was placed with a family that had an adoptive father who like to abuse children…. Where were the thought and the best interests of the child in this case? It amazes me that many authorities and family members agreed to this in the best interest of the child….

Many birthparents are pleased with the way their child has developed, but unfortunately I have met a few birthmothers who have found their children on the streets, using drugs, some heavily into prostitution. What sort of life were these children given, for them to end up like this? Many were abused by their adoptive families….. Knowing this is sometimes good, sometimes bad for the birthmother, but in circumstances like this, they can take over if their child will let them and they can offer the child a place to stay - perhaps to develop a different life and to get themselves sorted out especially if they find WHO THEY ARE? Most of the problems that adoptees face are because they do not know who they really are or where they really are. Many want to know where they came from and who are they like.

It also amazes me that when you think of all the young mothers who were underage when giving birth that there was no interest in the child - if there was why were we allowed to go through the pain, the slavery (in some cases) the trauma, psychological and emotional blackmail that the authorities and our families put us through? - "Was this in the best interests of the child"?

The psychological affect adoption has on members of the triad is often devastating. There have been many deaths - through suicide, many have turned to alcohol and or drugs to drown their sorrows (so to speak). Many are on anti-depressants - many are suffering, their hearts aching, for their loved lost ones. Too many people are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, similar to some one who has been to war, or who has suffered a major loss when someone has died. To me, relinquishing a baby is similar to death, but the difference is with death you are allowed to grieve - with relinquishment, you were told to forget about it and get on with your life.

Silence may be golden for some, but now is the time to speak out about your experiences, gather your thoughts and look for the support that we (as members of Origins Tasmania) can give you. Many, many people are affected when an adoption takes place. It is not just the adoptee, the birthparent or the adoptive parent. It is the siblings, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, on both sides that are also affected. Many of us need the support and that is why we are here. There are support groups for all members of the triad and families & friends are more than welcome to our meetings.

Records should be made available for adoptees and birthparents. Adoptees need to know where they came from who they are and the medical information that can be given to many, may just save a life not just the life of an adoptees, but perhaps the life of an adoptees child / children….. Birthparents have a right to know if their son / daughter is still alive and how they were brought up. Sometimes just knowing that they are all right is enough, but not knowing is the hard part.

We were treated as the wrong doers, but who was really in the wrong?

Not the birthmother and certainly not the adoptee…………

Now, some people might not agree with me on the issues I have brought up in this article, but please remember that these are my thoughts from the heart. I have met many people and that is why I have decided to write this article. Many things have happened to adoptees and birthparents for many years. They have been denied access to their records for many years. It has taken inquiry after inquiry throughout the states to force legislation to be change to allow us access to this information. Access that really should have been allowed in the first instance. How many of us were promised confidentiality and privacy when we were forced into relinquishing our children? I know many mothers were never told this, they were just told that we had signed away our rights of being a mother. We were told that our babies had died. We were told many lies. There are many questions, but no answers……

Who gave the authorities, the departments and agencies the right to lie, to steal or to kidnap our babies?

Who gave them the right to bribe us into believing that we were doing the best thing for our babies?

Who gave them the right to do this to young mothers?

Who gave them the right to coerce young girls into relinquishing their babies?

Who gave them the right to treat us poorly, sometimes like slaves or to leave us alone when it came time to give birth?

Who gave them the right to abuse, to give us amphetamines or to strap us to the beds or cover our faces with sheets or pillows when giving birth?

How many married mothers were subjected to this kind of treatment? - Not many I am sure…….

To all adoptees, birthmothers and to all who have been affected by adoption, I along with Origins Tasmania will support open records for all members of the triad. However, we also have to respect those that have placed vetoes on their records.

As I said before these are just my thoughts on adoption. I have heard so many different stories, that I found it was time to put these thoughts on paper. It helps when I am feeling down.

To my husband Stuart who encouraged me to attend my first support weekend for birthmothers in New South Wales (PARC) and who has shown me what love really is and that I truly am a person with self worth.

To my friend Melanie in the US and the many ladies that are now my sisters of the Internet, I thank you for your support and friendship. To the adoptees on the blackmarket adoptees list, I am with you when you guys talk about opening records for all adoptees and birthparents. Hang in there, I am sure it will happen one day, just keep pushing…….

To all my friends from Origins Tasmania (especially Mary who is like a mother to me) who I have know since Origins Tasmania first started thank you for the support, the encouragement and the confidence that I have found in myself. I know now that I am worth something, not just the black sheep of the family.

To all who are still searching, my thoughts are with you on this very special journey……..